Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Cell Phones-N-Me

If earth is ever attacked by life from another planet, there will be no need to panic. The space creatures won’t be staying long. Why? The answer is two words: cell phones. Believe me, if I had a space craft handy, there are many times I would be very tempted to hop on board and light-year my way outta Dodge.

It isn’t that I have a moral objection against cell phones; I’d like one and have considered getting one. My beef is with the people using the cell phones. Why do people feel they need to be in touch with the outside world 24/7 and then complain constantly that they can’t get away “for even a minute?” It makes me want to shake these people and yell,

“Turn it off, you mindless wombat! Turn it off!”

Just a couple of days ago, I was standing in line at the grocery store (one of my least favorite locations), when this man standing behind me, and obviously possessing the IQ of a boiled peanut, answered his cell phone.

“Oh, yeah!” said the mentally-deficient legume. “I’m just standin’ in line at the grocery store.”

Is this really vital information? Does anyone’s extended family or friends need to know your location at every passing moment?

People carry their cell phones with them everywhere and leave them on, programmed with some asinine ditty that plays every thirty seconds or so when someone calls. And these conversations don’t necessarily last long, suggesting that the reason for the actual call was non-existent in the first place:

*inane carnival ditty*
“Yup? Hi. Nope. Just hangin’. ‘K, see ya’ later. Yup. Bye.”
*hang up*
*inane carnival ditty*
“Yup? Be home around five. Yup.”
*hang up*
*inane carnival ditty*
“Yup? Nope. Yup. Nope. Yeah. Bye.”
*hang up*

This drives me to the point of distraction and nearly causes me to lose all self-control. If people are going to carry on endless conversations, at least put it on speaker phone so I can hear the other side or, better yet, don’t use the phone at all in public, unless it’s an emergency:

*inane carnival ditty*
“Yup? No! You gotta be kiddin’! Her entire head? Just gone?!”
*hang up*
*inane carnival ditty*
“Yup? Okay. Tell me when the police cruiser leaves and I’ll sneak out the back.”
*hang up*
*inane carnival ditty*
“Yup? Listen carefully, Vinny, I’m only gonna tell yous once. Jimmy Hoffa’s buried at…”
*hang up*

You get the idea.

Really, if people would just be a bit more discerning, I’d have no problem with cell phones, but they practice no common sense. The technological little monsters are forever going off in restaurants, libraries, concert halls, check-out lines…am I alone on this? Or is anyone even paying attention? Hey! Get off that phone and read this!


Dan said...

Excellent! I feel exactly the same as you ... but please ... a little more respect for legumes. I love legumes. And legumes never use cell phones.

By the way, you're going to hate me for this, but I am partly responsible for all of this. I addressed this earlier this year on my own blog. In case you're interested the gory details, and my confession, can be found here.

Please don't hate me.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

I'm with you as well, though for me the worst cases are those people using headsets, and so look like they're talking to themselves...It may be a generational thing, but I just can't get used to it.

I always have to fight the urge to shoot them with a tranquilizer dart and ship them off to the nearest mental hospital.

Muppers said...

I agree. Nothing worse than trying to check books out to someone, or charge them for their copies, when they are yakin' on the blasted phone. I do own a cell phone, and I do use it, but I try very hard to be considerate. I turn it off at the library and church, and I stop talking when I go through a check-out. Last week we had a lady talking on her phone and using the internet. Right above her head was a big neon sign boldly stating NO CELL PHONE USE IN THE LIBRARY. Even after we told her twice, she insisted upon using it anyway, "Oh, I'm using the internet FOR my phone!" Hello? If you are so stupid that you require assistence with the internet then you have no business having a phone anyway. These people need to keep their stupidity to themselves.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Y'know what's fun? Take a drive, and look for people talking and driving at the same time. Get behind them and blow your horn. It's cool. They jump, and if you're lucky, their phone squirts right out the window. Most of the time it just falls down into the mysterious cavern between the door and the seat, where it joins the many hapless french fries currently mummifying down there.

Stupid Blogger's Wifey said...

I am with you all. I hate it when a customer comes to the counter and I can't even do my job cause they are having a very dumb and needless conversation with some unknown person. I never know if it is ok for me to interrupt them to ask How may I help you or if it is rude for me to say anything. One day I was waiting in line at a Subway and the girl in front of me started talking on her phone and the lady behind the counter just picked up the girl's sandwich and threw it in the garbage. I was shocked and slightly amazed. The girl threw a fit of course, and they called security. Unfortunately I don't know what happened after that. I purshased my sandwich and Stupid and I sat quietly in a booth and ate our lunch.