Employment Quickie

As the subject of employment has been on my mind recently, for various reasons, I'd like to take this opportunity to list ideal jobs. Ideal, that is, for me. Some of you may look upon these careers with some frownage.

"Why, that seems like the crappiest job in the world!" you are saying to yourself. "Only a moron or flatulent clown would find such a career rewarding!"

And to you, I'd say, flatulent clown? How little sense you make! I fail to see what that has to...mumble mumble...ran out of ideas.

Yep. These employment opportunities, while ideal fits for my physiological and psychological makeup, may induce incessant and unwarranted snorting and dismissive hand gestures in others. Bah.

Ideal Jobs for the FooDaddy

• Toddler chaser (For their own good, of course. Heh heh.)
  
• Ferrari top-speed tester
• Professional Sarcasm Distributor
  
• Computer systems Instance of Malfunction Cussmaster
• Procrastinator General (cabinet level)
  
• Punter of Annoying Pre-Teens (I'd supply my own cleats!)
• Grizzled hobo who yells at invisible bugs
  
• Humor columnist (Hey, there had to be one serious one.)
• Eater of Delicious Cinnamon Rolls (EDCR) for some oblivious bakery
• Kitten juggler
• Photographer of Pretty Stuff for Money; extra money for any subsequent Photoshoppery of Pretty Stuff
• Navigator for people who hate being on time
  

So, any employers out there who have openings in any of the above fields, please contact me! I'll be out getting lost somewhere, so try my cell first.

The Zodiac

Disclaimer: To any readers out there who actually take astrology seriously, I apologize for mocking your belief that the sky dots or placemat monkeys are telling you what to do. It sounds like more of a neurosis than a strategy to me. Go lie down for a while.

Anyone who gets a newspaper or has eaten at a Chinese restaurant has probably seen a table of zodiac signs before. Personally, I like the Chinese Restaurant Zodiac the best. I looked for my birthdate on there, and I'm a boar. Or a pig, depending on where they had their placemat printed. I am chivalrous and noble and have common sense when it comes to mortgage rates. All the characteristics one generally associates with swine. One Web page I looked at also says that Boars do not "shimmer," which is kind of disappointing. I had plans to.

My favorite part about the placemat zodiacs is the compatibility list. Every sign has other signs that it does or does not get along with. I always get a kick out of reading "Beware the monkey" while I'm waiting for my curry chicken. I want that on a bumper sticker.

While the Placemat Zodiac is divided up by your year of birth, the FooDaddy Zodiak will be by month because it's easier that way. There are far fewer months than there are years, you know.

The FooDaddy Zodiak

January - Sincere Weasel

The Weasel is kindhearted and true, and would never steal any of your honey roasted peanuts because they are extremely scrupleful. Weasels enjoy long, totally harmless chats with other Weasels, and are generally well spoken of in society. Especially among other Weasels. Avoid the Swine and make fast friends (read: business relations) with the Finch and hire a Hamster for P.R.

February - Developmentally Disadvantaged Goat

Here's a sign that everyone can love! Goats make wonderful after-school specials, and feature heavily as pivotal and kind-hearted savants in Stephen King stories. Turn that frown upside down and have a handful of Skittles! It's time for a parade! Beware the Weasel and Finch, because they can't see just how special you are. You will make sparkly paper hats with the Pony.

March - Shimmering Swine

All Swines are chrome-plated and awesome. They shimmer and dazzle all they want. All Swines are sarcastic in an endearing, sweaty sort of way, and would make wonderful grandparents if equipped with canes. A Swine will generally not come right out and criticize your stupid values or moron choices, but they will drop infuriating, needling hints. Swines should MapQuest a route the hell away from the Pony and Sloth and visit a Squirrel instead.

April - Crenelated War Badger

Badgers are extremely aggressive and protective of those they love, and would like nothing more than to punch the rest of the Zodiak in the ear. But only if they annoy the Badger enough to make the Badger yell. For while all Badgers would love to pass a law legalizing road rage, they are mostly fair. The Badger would make damn sure nobody picked on the Goat and will roundhouse kick any sign that tries.

May - Giggling Pony

Tee hee! Like, Ponies are so awesome! They are the kindest and prettiest and bestest kissers! Ponies totally love writing poems in their journals about flowers and clouds, and reading Anne Geddes books, but are so totally deep too. Like, when a Pony watches a sad movie, that Pony is not afraid to cry. Ponies should never develop crushes on the Smurf, but they do. Ponies say they want a Swine because they really value a sense of humor, but they don't.

June - Addlepated Platypus

Platypuses never seem to know exactly who they're trying to fool. They have personalities composed of bits of other peoples' that they are merely leasing. They can be extremely agreeable conversationalists, because they're extremely agreeable. Tell a Platypus anything, no matter how preposterous, and they will readily agree. A Platypus should make friends with the Smurf because this Zodiak heard that it was a good idea, but please don't lease from a Sloth.

July - Exploding Firetailed Patriot Finch

Finches love their country, and anyone who doesn't can just go the heck right back to Frenchylvania, or wherever. The Finch can't prounounce the name of yer crazy foreign country, so y'all should make up a new one in God's own English. If anyone questions the Finch's patriotism, that person is probably a terrorist, and is liable to catch an ass-whuppin'. Buy a big ol' flag for your Hummer H2, take advantage of the Badger if you deem it in the national interest, marry a Pony and have fifteen children.

August - The Smurf

Smurfs don't really exist. They are the perfect friend and they are the worst enemy. Smurfs tell lies about lazy co-workers to those co-workers' bosses and elect incompetent politicians. On the other hand, Smurfs are personally responsible for leaving you a parking spot right in front of Bob Evans. Ninety-eight percent of dating relationships carried on via Instant Messenger are between a Smurf and a real person. Don't tell the Goat about a Smurf, because the Goat will be very disappointed.

September - Caffeinated Ground Squirrel

Squirrels are very outgoing, but cannot stay on topic for an entire sentence. When captured on high-speed film, fine analysis of the Squirrel can reveal actual deliberation, but--hey! Is that a peanut? Squirrels love peanuts! Circus! I went to one once, but it smelled like poop, and--whoa! Did you see that? That car had a thing on it. Should the Squirrel grow a beard, y'think? Squirrels should always attend pizza parties with the Pony or Swine, but might want to stop poking the Sloth.

October - Crepuscular Goth Sloth

All Sloths have more originality in their labret than you have in your whole body, and don't even pretend to like that band you like. The Sloth liked it first, and all you're doing is popularing it up. Don't look at the Sloth like you think you're better than the Sloth, because the Sloth doesn't give a crap what you think. The Sloth was born with only one crap to give, and it used it for choosing a brand of cigarette. You should befriend other Sloths, but only share your power crystals with the ones that are just as different as you.

November - The Carp

Nobody likes The Carp. You're just the kind of person nobody likes. No shame in that, but if you can't be bothered to bathe or to stop leaving your nose pickings right in the middle of the tablecloth, then the rest of the Zodiak is going to have to ask you to go home. You may find that shadowing a Badger keeps you out of trouble, and in your free time you should hang around the Pony because the Pony deserves it. The Sloth will find you interesting because you're differentish.

December - Snow Hamster

Hamsters are very sweet people. They will bake you cookies and they will help you eat them, and any cookies left over are stored in the Hamster's generous cheek pouches in case you want more later. You want to hug a Hamster. Seriously, you do. Look at 'em! Who wouldn't want to hug a Hamster? A Hamster is always the first person to give a handful of Skittles to a Goat or Carp, and are pretty much the only ones with a calming effect on Finches. Hamsters make good friends with everybody but the Sloth, because being nice isn't part of Sloth programming and it gives them headaches.


There you go, time-wasters! I hope this little guide enables you to get more out of your lives, now that you know exactly what to expect and whose names to keep in your cell phone. Get this Zodiak tattooed on your forearms, and life will be thwarted by default every time it tries throwing you a curveball.

Disclaimer: If you were born under a sign that does not, in any way, describe you, keep in mind that the FooDaddy Zodiak is no more binding than any other. Go lie down for a while.

Some Galloping Nuns

Last night I was watching a cheesy action movie (Out of Reach starring Steven Seagal), when out of nowhere came this ridiculous scene. Perhaps I'm the only one who finds this clip amusing, but doesn't it look like the nuns are galloping down the steps?

Error 404 Quickie

You have encountered an error. The post you are trying to view is unavailable because you have either typed the URL in wrong because you are foolish, or it has been taken offline by its writer.

While there are many reasons for an Error 404, the general loathsomeness of computers, for example, this one is of purely human origin.

The writer of this post has decided that it is not up to the standards of ambient moronics set during the Blog's tenure on the Internet, and has removed it. The poster's father concurs. This error message was able to contact FooDaddy's FooDaddy to ascertain his opinion.

"It just wasn't cohesive," FD'sFD said, smoking his pipe on the porch of his apartment, a glass of '06 Winking Owl in his hand. "It rambled clumsily, you dig? You can never edit too much. There was a time when I was in college when I could edit the chuckling hell out of pretty much anything. Why, I once edited Pride and Prejudice down to a sappy greeting card! I was a pro. The boy's making progress, though. I mean, I've known him to--hey look! A squirrel!"

FD'sFD spent the next few minutes making squirrel noises at the squirrel, which chattered back at the bearded gentleman from its perch in the pines.

The poster, who was unavailable for comment, is presumably working on another post of greater quality. The bar has been set pretty high, so this replacement post must be of a higher-grade stupidity if it is to be kept online.

Rhyming Quickie

In a spanky little house by the sea
In a land foreign and far, far away
There lived a horrible old man
Who didn't wanna bathe every day.

He ate doughnuts, croissants
Bags of chips and monkey pie
When the kids said he should wash
"Soap's devil's work," he'd reply.

"But you'd be so much happier clean,"
The children chided and insisted
"Get outta here, fer I gots plans t'be
The dirtiest fella whut ever existed!"

As time passed and the visits stopped
The old man got all the mustier
"Ferget them meddlin' kids and such!
My flies are much more trustier."

Then one day when the sun was high
The hot air really got to his pits
The smell forced him to his knees,
Said he, "suppose this is whut I gits!"

Coughing, he went to the shower
Used hisself some soap he still had
"Whooee! This stuff reeks of pansies!
And I thought my pits smelled bad!"

Under the long neglected shower jets
He shed his stank and bits of grit and mud
The old man shed hisself a tear
Cuz he was gonna miss his layers'a crud.

He stepped out and toweled hisself dry
"Most uncomfortable thing I ever did!"
He announced, facing an expectant crowd
"Now git off my lawn y'rotten little kids!"