Friday, April 25, 2008

Employment Quickie

As the subject of employment has been on my mind recently, for various reasons, I'd like to take this opportunity to list ideal jobs. Ideal, that is, for me. Some of you may look upon these careers with some frownage.

"Why, that seems like the crappiest job in the world!" you are saying to yourself. "Only a moron or flatulent clown would find such a career rewarding!"

And to you, I'd say, flatulent clown? How little sense you make! I fail to see what that has to...mumble mumble...ran out of ideas.

Yep. These employment opportunities, while ideal fits for my physiological and psychological makeup, may induce incessant and unwarranted snorting and dismissive hand gestures in others. Bah.

Ideal Jobs for the FooDaddy

  • Toddler chaser (For their own good, of course. Heh heh.)
  • Ferrari top-speed tester
  • Professional Sarcasm Distributor
  • Computer systems Instance of Malfunction Cussmaster
  • Procrastinator General (cabinet level)
  • Punter of Annoying Pre-Teens (I'd supply my own cleats!)
  • Grizzled hobo who yells at invisible bugs
  • Humor columnist (Hey, there had to be one serious one.)
  • Eater of Delicious Cinnamon Rolls (EDCR) for some oblivious bakery
  • Kitten juggler
  • Photographer of Pretty Stuff for Money; extra money for any subsequent Photoshoppery of Pretty Stuff
  • Navigator for people who hate being on time

So, any employers out there who have openings in any of the above fields, please contact me! I'll be out getting lost somewhere, so try my cell first.


Jack W. Regan said...

Okay, here's the perfect job for you, FooDaddy:


One grizzled hobo to preside over Pre-Teen Punting League. Must be proficient in the cussing of computer malfunctions and be willing to sample office cinnamon rolls for quality. Will be in charge of all company sarcasm and must be willing to deliver the sarcasm in neat little packages to deserving employees on a daily basis. Must write up a witty report of each week's activities for the company newsletter and also chauffer the company president to any meetings he does not wish to attend.

Although the pay for this position may be below industry standards, our benefits are totally awesome. The chosen candidate will be provided with a company Ferrari and an annual camera-purchasing budget of $10,000, as well as each new version of Photoshop as it becomes available. The candidate will also be allowed to pursue supplemental part-time work at both of our affiliates: Toddler Pursuit, Inc. and AirKitten USA.

The candidate will be in line for a senior management position upon hire. But we'll get to that later.

Must own cleats.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Brilliant! I've sent out three applications, just in case the first two get lost.

Gonna go to Wal-Mart and get me some cleatses.

Anonymous said...

Damn! You're really funny today...why couldn't I get Scoobie in Battle of the Blogs instead?

Good luck!


Anonymous said...

hey FooDaddy; I would be more than willing to go shopping for cleats with you. I will even provide some annoying pre-teens for testing. I think you should have no trouble getting the job. you are perfect for it. almost like it was created for you.