Saturday, December 27, 2008

Ask The Hardass 2

The Hardass has been a bit busy lately, punching criminals and eating their getaway vehicles. He has, in fact, been recovering from a weekend he spent underneath the wreckage of a parking garage. He had intended to punch out one of its corners to prevent a bandit from gaining entrance, which worked, but one of his arch-enemies foiled him by causing the structure to fall on him.

Gravity, you bastard, when will you learn?

Thankfully, he was able to file his way out with his chin, so he is back with us today and ready to answer your questions.

Dear The Hardass,

I spend a lot of time driving. I was wondering what you think I should do about the people that get in my way and stay there.

--Wanting in Westminster

To be perfectly honest, I never have that problem. This is my vehicle:

But if I were on a tight budget, I would invest in a pickup truck from, oh, the early 80s. Make sure it’s rusty. Remove the front and rear bumpers. Replace the rear one with a six-foot log, with the bark and twigs still on it. Bolt an old refrigerator to the front. If at all possible, drape small animal pelts over various edges, and fly a skunk tail from the antenna. Exhaust system? Remove it and replace it with lengths of drain pipe and old Folgers cans. Guaranteed nobody will mess with you then, and the whole setup will cost you about $300. Cheaper, if you steal.

Dear The Hardass,

What's a breast?

Blind, Naive, and Gay in Kansas

Scientifically, they are objects that grow on strippers. Or sometimes they are installed on strippers. Either way. Poetically, they are a reason to smile. I pride myself on my versatility, too, as I am actually more of an ass and leg man. I suspect you have similarly worded, but diametrically opposed views yourself.

Dear The Hardass,

What do you think about high definition TV? I’m not sure how the whole February switchover is going to go for me. Do you have any advice?

--Pixilated in Pittsburgh

HD televisions are every bit as tasty as the regular kind, but I do miss the explodeyness you get from the old cathode-ray tube sets of yesteryear. Those were real fun to punch and throw. A big, wide screen does tend to impress the ladies, however, so look into it.

Dear The Hardass,

I’m thinking about getting into needlepoint, but I really like the patterns and textures you can get with crochet. Is now the time to try new things, or should I stick to what I know?

--Yarned in Ypsilanti

What the hell are you talking about?

Dear The Hardass

Needlework, my good sir, is what I am talking about. There is no need to be rude.


Yes, there damn well is. Needlework, you say? Sounds like you’re a drug lord. I am on my way to your den of iniquity to break you into a thousand and twelve tiny pieces. In that sense, yes, it IS time to try new things. Get used to being 1012% closer to omnipresence.

Dear The Hardass,

A co-worker at my office knocked me down and took my sandwich. What should I do?

--Bullied in Bullisville

Find him. Knock him down. Eat his computer.

Until next week, folks! Send in your Hardass questions via the Indulge in Stupidity comments section, and I'll see that he reads them.


Anonymous said...

I love The Hardass. I wish I had one.

Anonymous said...

I think he is great. when you get one can I have one too?

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Wait wait wait. Do you both desire hard asses? As in "a very solid posterior"?

Or would you like your own personal The Hardass?

Either way, it is both flattering and strange, and I thank you.

Anonymous said...

I meant that I would like my own personal "the Hardass".

However, then I talked about it with you and realized that having him around would mean that I would spend a lot of time repairing things and purchasing new things that could not be repaired.

so I think I will just stick to reading about him and maybe asking the occasional question.

Jack W. Regan said...

Excellent stuff, here, FooD my good flatuswinium. I especially like the immediate answers between the Hardass and his write-ins. Oh, and the picture is hilarious. Very nearly a work of art. I'd hang it up!