Saturday, December 15, 2007

Time To Be Strange.

I had a day off of work today. I spent a wonderful terrestrial rotation just wandering about the town without a point. At one point I had a point, but it didn’t last for very long. It turned out to be rather dull.


So here’s a quick rundown of my day. I started it as most people do by waking up. This was a decision I had contemplated for quite some time before actually putting it into action, with a sexy girlfriend.

Those last four words? I didn’t actually type them. I’m not denying their truth, but they are the Girlfriend’s work. She was within range of my keyboard, and I was distracted. Knowing me, I was probably too busy lying about something and she made her move. Score one for her. I’d like all three of our readers to give her a hand! Ain’t she dandy?

So where was I?

I decided that I needed to go shopping. There was no reasoning behind this decision—I just felt that it had to be done. I had already taken stock of my supplies and found that I had plenty of bread, potatoes, used .22 casings, socks, cats, cat socks and microwaveable chili in non-microwaveable containers. So I figured I’d go out and buy stuff I didn’t need.

I went to Linens ‘n’ Whatevers to get some irregular pillowcases. I have one in the shape of a Volkswagen Beetle (the old one) and one that is open at both ends. Not bad for sixteen cents! I also picked up some “factory second” scented candles. I picked out three of them. One is purple and smells like an enticing mixture of warm squirrel fur and rubber bands, and the other two are red and smell like wax. These were also under a dollar. I am a fiscally responsible visionary.

My shopping complete, I moved on to the park, where I spent an hour with my Canon Digital Rebel XT. I took a lot of badly-lit pictures of the inside of my lens cap.

“Sweet kitten-flavored popsicles!” I yelped when I saw the quality of these shots. “National Geographic, here I come!”

This thought made me so happy that I ran around in vaguely ovoid patterns until I fell down.

I checked my cellular telephone, or as I like to call it because I’m lame, my “tellular celephone”. It was only two P.M.! Still plenty of time to go down to the river to yell at trout.

Well, as many of you who have spent an appreciable time in Grand Rapids could have told me, there are no trout in the Grand River. I’m a creative individual. I do not give up easily. I switched tactics on the fly, and whiled away a happy 40 minutes yelling at turds.

Having put the floating poo in its place, I crossed my arms and belched smugly. I crossed “scatology” off my list, and hiked back to my car.

I have been borrowing my grandmother’s 2003 Buick LeSabre for a few months now, and I never get tired of all the little toys it’s got. If I am ever curious about how hot the engine’s coolant is at any given moment (and I am) I can find out by pressing a button. The computer also keeps track of the number and species of bugs in the radiator. General Motors surely outdid themselves on this machine.

The LeSabre’s seats are electric. Great fun. I like to mosey right up beside somebody on the highway and match speeds with them. Then I reach down to the controls, and move my seat forward. I am then going very slightly faster than the guy next to me if you add my seat’s velocity to the car’s. And all without negatively affecting my mileage.

Gosh, that makes me giggle. It also works with a friend in the passenger’s seat. Next time you have the opportunity, move your seat forward just as you’re parking at your destination. Tell your friend that you actually got there before he did. See if you can win money like that.

Seat races over, I bid my friends a good evening, and counted up my money. I had won thirteen cents, a broken comb, a button and a twig. The twig I fed to my cat, Benchley, and the rest I put in my safe.

Time for a nice relaxing evening. I drank some stuff I found in the closet that looked like ginger-ale, but tasted like pine cones. It was very tasty. I had it over the rocks, which was stupid. I could have used ice, and then it would have been cold.

I finished off my vacation day with a video game. It’s that one for the Xbox 3Sitty where you play the role of a heroic man with electric hands who zaps mutants who mutter incoherent religious diatribes, avoids giant, lumbering creatures in diving helmets and whacks stuff with a wrench.

This is a real game.

Before going to bed, I chewed up a very tasty antacid tablet (“moon pie” flavored) and crawled under the sheets with all the garbage that Benchley likes to bring up there to play with during the night.

I really hope I get another day off again soon. I had a blast.

*Disclaimer: I didn’t actually have a day off from work, so to anyone who saw me there: I do not have an evil twin, or even just a sarcastic twin. Not anymore, anyway.


Anonymous said...

Boy, you are quite an interesting man, and that's why we love you

On a side note, I felt like posting a video a friend sent me from YouTube. It is from Monty Python, called "Upper Class Twit of the Year". I think you three would fit in perfectly with that troupe.

Anonymous said...

There ya go!

Jacob Nordby said...


I think somebody just said we might "FIT IN" somewhere. I can't get my brain around that...much less that it could be the luminous Monty Python crew.

I'm going to have sit and scratch myself for awhile.

Pickle Weasel

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the Fluff.