Thursday, October 04, 2007

I Too Am Also Mad!

The things that smurf me off are many and numerous. They are plentiful enough, were they flecks of dandruff, to shingle a barn. In short, I am a very annoyed individual.

And I'll get to them as soon as I can think of some good ones.

Ahh, here we go...

Being given too few ketchups at fast food places, being given too many ketchups at fast food places, that weird way one of my fingernails seems to grow faster than the rest, chunky kids who won't share their Skittles, old men who are cultured and patient, gassy cats, people who get mad at you for laughing during funerals, people who DO continue to tell themselves that after you tell them to keep telling themselves that.

Man, this is harder than I thought. Could it be that I'm really not as bitter and crotchety as I thought? I'm losing my edge? This cannot be. Just have to prime myself.


That did it! On with the list.

Mary Poppins, singing dwarves, singing pirates, singing furniture, singing animals, singing children. (Whew!) Desks with one drawer built to look like two, showers with weak spraying heads, soap that smells like candy, soap that doesn't TASTE like candy, forgetfulness, chunky kids who won't share their Skittles. People who don't understand sarcasm, people who proudly announce things that would get them slapped if there were any justice in the world, anyone who touches me and enjoys it too much. Anyone who merges onto the highway at a blistering 30 MPH, anyone who doesn't bother to look for a gap before merging and has to pull off onto the shoulder and signal for upwards of four minutes. Any person who refers to themselves as "mommy" or "daddy" when talking to or about their cat. Children who smell like socks.

(Pause to allow adrenaline glands to rest up a bit.)

Video games based off of movies, "Barney and Friends" and all it stands for, iPhones, houses in the middle of cities decorated with wagon wheels and fake tumbleweeds. CPU fanboys, car fanboys, videogame console fanboys, fan fanboys. People who are too politically correct (correctness fanpersons), people who take pride in being extremely politically UNcorrect (read: morons). Leaves with slugs on them. Signs in public places with misplaced or unnecessary apostrophes. The word "unnecessary" because I always put too many Cs in. Cologne, people who wear too much cologne, people who ask why you don't wear cologne. Grown men who smell like socks and try to cover it with cologne.

And last but certainly not least, and because I am a smug bastard: anyone older than 9 who considers their, they're and there interchangeable.


Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

I started writing this on the 4th, but didn't publish it 'til the 13th, yet the date above says "October 4"!

That pisses me off.

Anonymous said...

Hey you passed the crotchety test. You are officially nasty and mean.

Jacob Nordby said...


First, I love the picture! You look ultra truculent.

Second, your list is so good that I must doff my hat.

You seem a little over-irritated with selfish chunky kids, but even as I write this I can feel my own ire rising at them.

Very, very good.

Jacob Nordby said...

Oh, I see my time hasn't run out and other people haven't talked yet so...

Foo, I'm sure you recognized the super funny play on words already, but

I, Too, Am Also Mad.

Mad, as in INSANE.

And, the photo you included seems to confirm this suggestion.

Like some old dude who shuffles angrily down the street in his bathrobe muttering about the injustices of "them dadgum youngins!"

Anonymous said...

You know what pisses me off? Smurfs! What the hell are they, little furry blue poos? And don't get me started about "The Chicken Dance"!

Jacob Nordby said...


You are a dumb-dumb. Sorry to be so blunt, but now YOU have pissed me off. SMURFS???

I think THEY pissed EVERYONE off back in the 80's and have never been seen since. Hating them is simply a waste of your lackluster brainpower.

The Chicken Dance is super sexy and you must not, dare not criticize its practitioners.

Beware the wrath of the Pickle Weasel

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Kevin! You butt-apron! It's nice to see you on here. Now be a pal and get your oddly medicated buddy some sody pop.

I see you've already met Pickle Weasel. He is the Blog's bouncer. If you scroll down a few posts to his latest, you'll see him displaying his Bouncer Face™. He is an agreeable sort, but you have to give him money first, kind of like a pay toilet.

Anonymous said...

So basically Pickle Weasel is a poop collector? That's weird.

Jacob Nordby said...


Wow, you must have used the first chapter of How To Win Friends And Influence People to roll some very large doobees, man.

Verily, you have incurred the wrath of Pickle Weasel.

Thou art (hast been?) warned.