Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I Live With A Killer

She doesn’t look dangerous, only five feet tall, with large blue eyes. But inside that small frame beats the heart of a heartless…waaaaaait a minute. That’s impossible! Well, okay, she has a heart, but it’s cold and unfeeling. I’m talking about my wife, Beth, and this past Sunday, she killed another living creature by ramming into it with our car…and then driving away. Yes, readers, it was a hit-and-run.

We were on our way to church, when a squirrel came skittering onto the road. There was a sickening “thump” and suddenly the squirrel’s hopes of becoming President were cut short. My wife turned to me and wailed, “I just killed a squirrel!”

At first, I tried to console her by attempting to convince her that the squirrel had been leading a miserable life and decided to commit suicide by leaping in front of our car. This explanation soon became tiresome, however, and the fifth time she turned to me and wailed, “I hit a squirrel,” I said,

“Yes, you did. And it was a cruel, heartless thing to do.”

It hasn’t ended yet. Since the incident, we’ll be sitting around the house, walking through the store, or driving somewhere, and she’ll suddenly whip around toward me at random moments and wail, “I killed a squirrel!”

I only hope that, when the summons from the lawyer representing the squirrel’s family arrives, the court will recognize that I was an innocent by-sitter, and had nothing to do with the taking of an innocent life. Hey, I tried to get her to stop! I distinctly remember saying,

“Honey, stop the car! We might be able to save him!”

I was more than prepared to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, a blood transfusion, or even a liver transplant…but, no! Afraid of the consequences, my wife continued to drive on! I’m sure, however, that the guilt she has been experiencing has been punishment enough. Justice will always prevail in the end.

Speaking of killing things, I don’t know what it is with birds lately. I’ve been driving around in my truck and I’ve probably killed three birds this week alone. If they would just fly high enough, they’d be perfectly safe, but instead they choose to swoop over the roadway, as if they’re pretending to be Japanese torpedo planes attacking the Yorktown.

Hold on just a minute, my wife is calling to me…

“What’s that? Yes, dear, I’m sure the squirrel had life insurance…well, if he didn’t, we’ll help out his family with a monthly supply of nuts. We’ll just send him to one of your family reunions. He’ll find plenty there. Yes, dear, go back to sleep. Did you take your pill? Good.”

*sigh* It’s been such a traumatic experience. Heaven help us if she ever runs over an armadillo. I’ll never hear the end of it.


The Drive-by Blogger said...

Hey, at least you were on your way to church...that's got to be more important than some nut lovin', heathen squirrel.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

A). She does too look dangerous. For goodness sakes, Stupid, don't patronize her. It will only make her MORE angry.

B). Going to church is a bad plan. That much contact with other humans is likely to stir up the beast within her. That's a frightening deal no matter who you are.

C). I don't have anything else to say, so...."LOUD NOISES!"

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Also, Stupid, why don't you point out how she killed your youthful enthusiasm? That's worse than a squirrel, isn't it?

You say you still have your youthful enthusiasm?

Um...let's see....ok, well anyway, it's a SQUIRREL for cryin' out loud. Next time she mentions it, laugh real loud and munch loudly on some kind of very crunchy food (cereal or chips usually work). Or an apple. This will drown out her complaining and make you feel better. To heck with her and the squirrel.

They're holding you back, man.

(See what happens when I spend too much time here?)

Stupid Blogger's Wifey said...

Excuse me but you are the one who ran over the armadillo showing absolutely no mercy. I guess being married to a killer has its influences.

Muppers said...

You guys are nuts! Just one little squirrel? Surely you can do better than that! I hit a bird 3 weeks ago and a racoon last week. Not to mention a deer last year, another racoon 4 years ago, and...hmmmm, there must have been more, I just can't remember them all. Oh yeah, the kamikaze crow. AND the armadillo "Stupid" hit with my car, AND the woodchuck Jim hit with my car. I knew there was more. Surely I've hit my quota by now.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

See, I think Muppers may actually be the REAL "Jack the Ripper". Seriously.

Follows a pattern. Cruelty to animals. Doesn't seem to have the same emotions as normal people. Actually seems to enjoy inflicting pain. Disassociative behavior.

Hmmm. Someone call CSI.

Muppers said...

Moo haa haa haa!!!

The Stupid Blogger said...

Yeah, that's what we need, another CSI clone. This would be, CSI: Stupid Vice

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Moo haaa?

Stupid, do you think Muppers also has Mad Cow Disease in addition to a weird obsession with the death of living creatures?

The Stupid Blogger said...

I don't think she has Mad Cow Disease. Perhaps Chortling Cow Disease, though.

Dan said...

Somehow killing squirrels is OK if you're driving to church when it happens.

Had your wife been on her way to a pedicure ...